Parents often ask, "What's the right age to give my child a cellphone?" Unfortunately, there's no single answer because the "right" age depends on the child's personality, needs and circumstances. Treating it as a one-size-fits-all milestone (e.g., "Happy 13th birthday! Here's your phone!") overlooks the nuanced process of preparing kids for cellphone ownership.
A more effective approach is to introduce cellphones in phases, gradually building skills and responsibility over time. Below is a three-phase framework to help parents navigate this process.
Phase 1: The Family Phone
Allow kids to use a "family" cellphone, potentially as early as elementary school. This first step often involves a "family" cellphone the child uses when needed. For example, they can take it to a friend's house for checking in, or keep it while at a theme park in case of separation. A simple, inexpensive flip phone works well for this stage.
- Skills learned:
- Children will learn to be responsible for their device (e.g., not losing or breaking it) and can learn basic phone skills like making phone calls and sending text messages to a limited number of contacts.
- Traps parents should be wary of:
- It is important to emphasize that this is not the child's phone but rather a family phone that the child sometimes uses. Doing this sets an important foundation for parents to maintain the right to establish rules surrounding these devices. Establishing this precedent now is important for later stages when teens feel much more possessive of their phones.
Phase 2: Limited Ownership
As kids transition to middle school, they gain more independence and begin managing friendships and activities. A phone can facilitate these changes while keeping parents connected. At this stage, the child may have their own phone number but with limited functionality, such as texting and calling only.
- Skills learned:
- Following rules about phones at school and learning when and how it is appropriate to give out their number.
- Practice texting with peers and have greater autonomy in their interactions while parents can still maintain authority and oversight.
- Traps parents should be wary of:
- Although this period will grant greater ownership of the device, parents must make it clear that they don't have unlimited access.
- Children may have frequent access to the phone, which might only be used by them, but they shouldn't have it on their person throughout the day.
- Phones should never be in bedrooms at night, and parents should be able to review their child's activities and communication on the phone. Parents should be able to unlock the phone and open apps.
- Parents should also limit the functionality of the phone. One easy way to do this initially is to provide a phone with only calling and texting functions and no data plan. If the child requires a data plan (e.g., perhaps to use maps or access a specific app), parents can often use parental controls to limit what other apps are downloaded and when they are used.
Phase 3: Full Ownership
Transition to the teen truly owning their own phone, often during high school. At this point, teens are starting to feel like the real "owners" of this device. The goal here should be to promote this sense of ownership while making it clear that access is contingent on using their phones responsibly. They should start to have increasing physical control of the phone and more freedom in how they use it (e.g., what apps they use and when they communicate with peers). However, it should be clear that parents retain the authority to monitor use of the phone, and restrict it if the teen is not using it appropriately.
- Skills learned:
- Regulating their own phone use in preparation for their transition into adulthood.
- Learn to navigate social norms surrounding phones, like how sarcasm or a joke can be misinterpreted as mean-spirited in a text message.
- Recognize when and how to disconnect, such as during family meals, while studying and at night.
- Understand problematic aspects of phones, like the feeling that they need to be at the beck and call of a friend or romantic partner.
- Traps parents should be wary of:
- Be prepared for challenges on your own phone use! If teens can't keep them in their bedrooms at night or use their phones at the dinner table, why can you? If there are good reasons, articulate them ("As the adult in the house, I need to be able to receive an emergency call in the middle of the night."). But it's also important to acknowledge when you're just modeling bad behavior ("You're right. We should all leave our phones in the other room for dinner.")
- Think about the established rules about phones from the perspective of the child. If they need to put their phones away for dinner, can they wrap up a conversation first? How would you feel if you had to suddenly stop responding mid-conversation with a friend?
- Be flexible when you can, but also know what your hardlines are. Evidence suggests that keeping phones out of bedrooms at night is both basic and important. However, perhaps you can be more flexible about when they have to put away their phone for the night if they have a major homework assignment or are in the midst of resolving a disagreement with a friend or partner.
All of these steps should be tailored to your specific child. For example, if your child has just moved to a new school and is meeting all new people, texting with new peers may be more important than reducing screen time.
Navigating when and how to introduce your child to a cellphone can feel overwhelming, but approaching it as a gradual process makes it more manageable. Ultimately, the goal is to empower your child to use their phone in a way that enhances their life while maintaining healthy boundaries and habits that will serve them well into adulthood.
Samuel Ehrenreich, Ph.D., is an associate professor of Human Development and Family Science at the College of Education & Human Development. His research focuses on the role of digital communication in adolescent development.
